Why am I so scared of everything?
Sometimes, COVID seems so far away; it happened a million years ago! But every day, I see how much it affected me. The mandatory quarantine did some irreparable damage to my nervous system in ways that I don't believe people would understand.
For even more context, before lockdown, I was living in Paris, and quite literally weeks before the world shut down, I was mugged by two men while I was walking home from dinner. I always joke with people about my bravery because "I couldn't let them get away with my vintage Dior Boston bag????" But what I never tell people is how much it affected me. I was scared to be alone in public, on the train, walking; if I saw a shadow of someone walking behind me, I would clutch my bag harder and hold my coat close tighter. Then, the world was put to an immediate halt. My mother brought me back to Boston, and I was in the safe space of my childhood home for a year. I didn't leave my house unless I had to. I had my college classes on Zoom for an entire year. We started having in-person courses in my second year at that new school. That first day that I had to take the train to school, I had possibly the worst panic attack of my life. I was at home alone with no one to comfort me, and I walked to the train station in my town. I missed two trains and called my mom, throwing a tantrum. No one understood the stress I was under. This was the first time I needed to be in the city for a class in about five years; I was in the more complicated train station in my suburban town, and it was a hot September day. The train station I was supposed to enter in the city is my least favorite, but the closest to my school; I walked to a building I had never been to. I was terrified.
I don't think anyone has ever realized I never got over or through the trauma of getting mugged. I was in a foreign country, by myself, in a 9m^2 apartment, a recipe for madness. To this day, I can look down at my arms and see the bruises that yellowed from the deep purple they were after that night.
Since Covid, I've had a worse fear of new experiences. After all, that's what got me in the mugging situation. I used to be brave; I used to be adventurous. I hate traveling now, especially alone. I get a panic attack each time I have to take a plane. I pout and moan for days before the trip; I haphazardly pack, knowing I don't want to go. The car ride to the airport is usually filled with tears. Part of it is getting out of my routine, which is something I told my therapist, but it's just an actual fear of the unknown.
But why do I also feel anxious when I'm home? I'm not living my life and experiencing things. I've never felt more alone; I had a friendship falling out last year because I felt like I was getting mistreated, which caused the entire friend group to choose a side while I also consciously stepped back from everyone, but now it's like I have no one. All my friends from high school have moved away and all the college people are.. well... I want a boyfriend and to meet new people, but first dates are a waste of time. I'm also scared of them. Men are 1) boring and 2) scary. I want to meet someone organically, but do people do that anymore? Making friends as an adult is also extremely difficult and feels somewhat embarrassing.
It always feels like people have a group of friends they talk about that doesn't include you.
They always say that you should do the activities you want your future partner to do, but every time I do one of those activities, the men are already taken. I'm a homebody, domesticated, but still with an empty bed. It seemed like a joke, but it has been fine until now. Graduated, unemployed, single. I don't know if I can consider myself unemployed because I'm trying to start my brand, but you know what I mean.
While in school, I didn't want to date too much because I had too demanding of a major to go through with first, second, and third dates. But now, is it just sad?
What's sad is that I've had nothing at this point. In middle school, I thought, "Well, I'll get a boyfriend in high school," when college came around, I thought, "Well, I can get a boyfriend in college," to no avail. I feel like I'm in a state of total helplessness. I don't know why I'm not likable, and I don't know how to make myself more likable. I don't know why I can't find someone again. I'm scared.
I'm scared of everything and everyone. I don't know how to feel at ease with new experiences, and each time I try to throw myself into new things, I get the worst stomach ache I've ever had. That's honestly the worst part: I can't just be anxious; I have to be anxious and in pain.
It feels like my problem is that I can never be at peace. I am trying to understand what peace means. I don't know how to accomplish my dreams, and that makes me scared. I don't know how to get a boyfriend, and that makes me scared. Should I look for a boyfriend in Boston or elsewhere? What if my soulmate lives in Austria or something? That makes me scared. I've always wanted to pull a 13 going on 30, go into a closet, and jump 20 years into the future to see how things turn out for me. What do I have to change, and what can I keep doing? I hate the unknown.